Issues

So I am writing this shit to get the stuff OUT of my mind and ON to another place, this is not a self-damning critique and I no one else is going to read this for a while. Perhaps SEEING all this written down will somehow help my imagination start working again.

So I am some kind of freak hybrid regarding employment, I am technically employed teaching Grammar and Mathematics at Calvary Chapel Christian Academy. I make something like $160 a month which is something, but I have to hold onto the shit with a death grip because I can't afford to really do shit else. So of course the solution is to find another job and do that, but I live in a fucking BANKRUPT STATE where nothing is available. And the United States is suffering through one of the worst Recessions in our history because morons over on Wall Street and in Congress fucked up the housing market in 2008 and nearly caused a Depression. So now my generation is stuck with no real future after graduating from college, yet we are expected to just BITCH SLAP everything out of our way and persevere. Honestly there is a large part of me that has just given up with this job searching shit, mainly because I feel that I am banging my damn head against the wall. Dad really doesn't seem to get it and keeps telling me to basically stop being a pussy. I am honestly tired of his NOT facing actual reality and thinking that some shotgun approach is suddenly going to land me a job. Sure volume does increase chances exponentially, but it also means you have to settle for bullshit that you have no expertise in. Not to mention the fact that having a Bachelor's Degree tends to just fuck me up the ass, all this entry-level bullshit that I am overqualified for. Yet I am unqualified for all that upper-level management shit too. So basically I am FUCKED at both ends and would rather cram a damn steel pole up my ass and impale my brain. But Dad says that the key to my advancement in Life is to find a job, so I guess I have no real fucking choice if I want to LEAVE the damn room I am bound in.

I am in love with a girl named Aiyana Sawyer, she is the 18 year old cousin of my best friend Heather Marie Gois-Young. For the last year I have prayed about being with her but never really believed I would be, many because of her boyfriend named Shastin Hall whom she had been with for nearly 4 years. I met her face to face May 2011 when I visited San Diego for Heather's graduation from SDCC, and was immediately struck by how beautiful she is. Now I find myself a year later and barely clinging to hope, Aiyana is now single for the moment as she and her boyfriend broke up on January 10th. Part of me doesn't even dare to hope as Shastin is still hovering around the whole edges of this thing, my biggest fear is that he is going to bust his ass back in and be back with her. I have never been in control of this damn situation and I still don't. For years I have hoped to find a girl to spend my life with, but until recently my porn addiction and other stuff kept me from that. Even now the waiting kills me deeply, I once believed I would find someone at CCM but that becomes more and more unlikely. Honestly my heart is set on Aiyana but I have to face that she may not be for me, though I have never received instructions from God to stop praying about her. I sometimes wish I could tell my parents but they don't seem very interested, my Mom thinks I have actually make her up. The only people who know are Heather herself, Zach, and Justin; all of whom actually think I have a shot. I don't know what the fuck I am doing anymore, I must seriously answer the question of whether I will accept God telling me No or not. I am also afraid of her not actually loving me in return.

I have been trying to join the United States Army for 3 years now to become a Chaplain, yet every single time has hit some sort of bullshit snag. The most recent being the fact that I haven't been able to make consistent payments on the student loans that I owe, this immediately disqualifies my from the Program. I am honestly really starting to question whether or not I actually WANT to do this shit, I have devoted some much fucking energy to encounter nothing but heartbreak. This crap has been on my heart and mind since graduating SDCC in 2009, I right away began looking into it and comparing seminaries. But each time I began to move forward some sort of bullshit got in the way, I have literally spent the last 3 years jumping through hoop after hoop with no visible sign it is doing anything. I am honestly tired of putting this shit on the back burner of Life like it is some trivial thing, I am trying to choose a damn Life Path dammit and something is going to have to give. My last hope is just joining the Army outright and saying goodbye to Civilian life, though first I need to see if my Representative Letters do anything. At this rate I am honestly ready to just throw in the fucking towel.

And my fucking Writing Gift isn't working for me and hasn't for the last 6 months, which makes me EXTREMELY PISSED OFF at Life. Unfortunately no one really understands that expect for a select few people, 2 of which are Writers themselves. I have been wanting to write a fucking novel for the last couple years but each time I try I fail miserably, which in turn makes me cast doubts upon myself and wonder if I even POSSESS that type of writing skill. I honestly don't know what to fucking do, writing requires being LEFT ALONE and will all the shit I am busy with that is damn near impossible. Life is like a damn plague when it comes to being a Writer, the reason why older generations of Writers were successful is because they didn't have all the LOUD SHIT pulling them in a thousand different directions. Sometimes I wish all this ADULT RESPONSIBILITY SHIT didn't exist, and that I could just be free to WRITE AND WRITE without distraction. I just want to publish a fucking Novel before I die, fuck I'll settle for dying on the same day. And I am really sick and tired of all these Non-Writers who think they are fucking experts, tell me that you can just POWER THROUGH Writer's Block. Might as well just SLAM YOU HEAD into a brick wall at high speed for all the good an attempt at that would bring, Paul especially thinking he is an expert at EVERYTHING. So right now I am good and pissed at my fictional world, really wishing to BURN THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE THERE. Little fuckers deserve to die for not helping me, bunch of damn spoiled children that they are.

I could put so much more, but then I would just be repeating myself over and over. What it all boils down to is that I am unhappy with the parts of my Life that I really have no control over but I wish would just fucking change, because it would make my existence a hell of a lot easier.

PS: Aiyana I really hope I get to tell you my full story of wanting to be with you, I would love and cherish you forever and hold you until nothing else remained of Creation.